When you have unresolved childhood trauma (or trauma of any kind, most likely) you often times don’t even realize that’s the “thing” causing you pain. Mentally. Physically. Emotionally. Once you begin the work of forgiveness and healing, it’s like a rebirth.
I’m in the thick of it right now. Some days I don’t know if I want to continue the work, other days all I want is to get to the other side of it. Then on other days, I feel this huge wave of forgiveness... but I don’t feel free. Ultimately, that’s what I’m looking for. Freedom from heavy thoughts & fears, freedom from anxiousness & uncertainty. Freedom from a past that I want to escape because I’m so much more than those experiences. I’m better than the trauma. I’m deserving of happiness.
I take it one day at a time. I’m a work in progress. I’m committed to healing. I’m determined not to inflict generational curses on my children. I look at them and I think of all I had already survived by their age. That’s what also keeps me going because I don’t want them to be my age and think about what they survived. I want them to look back and remember their childhoods without pain. I’m imperfect and that’s okay. I have a heart as massive as the Smokey Mountains; my love for my wife and children, as pure as the water which runs through them. I think of the good in my life and the blessings I have and I know that one day I’ll heal completely... one day, I’ll feel like I’ve been born again.